Dilkashi — Seven Stages of Love and One Law of Attraction
A Sufi Celebration of Life, Inspired by Urdu
Author’s Note : This is the tenth installment in my 100 days, 100 blogs challenge. You can read the previous installment here.
Dekh Kar Dilkashi Zamane Ki
Aarzu Hai Fareb Khane Ki
— Abdul Hamid Adam
I see the attractions, the allure of the world
And I nurture the desire to lose myself to its deception
It’s Sufi Thursday again!
And today we are kicking off a series of pieces on seven stages of love ( thank you for the suggestion gangaprasad koturwar!).
So, before we dive right in, let’s recap. (Quoting from my earlier piece on the second stage of love Uns)
A couple of years ago, a Bollywood movie called Dil Se epitomized the idea of seven stages of love. These seven stages have been variously attributed to Arabic literature and/or Sufi philosophy. My research could not find anything to validate the roots of this stages in Arabic literature, and I can confirm that these stages have not been taken from Sufi philosophy, because the Sufi stages of love are far more complex, both philosophically and spiritually. Someday, I’d do a series on the real Sufi stages of love.
This piece however is about the seven stages of love that pop culture presented to us. In all probability they are a derivative from some existing source, or maybe they’re just a spiritual lightning that struck the writer’s room for this movie. Either way, they’re fascinating.
So the seven stages of love, according to some unnamed sources and at least two Bollywood movies are:
Dilkashi (attraction), Uns (infatuation), Ishq (love), Akidat (trust/reverence),Ibadat (worship), Junoon (passion/madness) followed by Maut (death)
Dilkashi.
Literally translated, Dilkashi means attraction or allure. The allure that has been epitomized in literature and movies as love at first sight. The allure that is the hallmark of every teenage fantasy. The allure that is the first brush of attraction, the first sigh of longing, the first flutter of butterflies in your stomach, the first feeling of that pleasant tingling in your senses. The allure that continues to be tantalizing no matter how much of an adult you claim to be.
Dilkashi is visceral, perhaps the most visceral of all seven stages of love. It is no wonder it is first in the stages of love. Because no matter how esoteric, how intangible an human experience aspires to be, ultimately everything within the human realm has a a tangible, visceral beginning. Of course, the visceral is the first to go as the human spirit transcends into higher realms, but without the visceral there is nothing to ground the flight of a spirit, spiritual or otherwise.
Dilkashi, therefore, is fundamental when it comes to the idea of love. It is the foundation of a journey that may transcend lifetimes, and it is safe to assert that one who gets Dilkashi right may have multiplied the chances of success in her endeavors.
But getting Dilkashi right is an oxymoron. Because Dilkashi by definition is an involuntary impulse. Allure and attraction are spontaneous designs that can barely be controlled. After all, as the famous adage goes, heart wants what the heart wants.
Dilkashi is beyond the limits of rationality or logic. Dilkashi happens.
So, how then, one gets Dilkashi right?
Within the straightforward, rather blase realm of love as the popular culture teaches it, getting Dilkashi right is simple. Because there, it is not about the Dilkashi. It is about what you do (or not do) with it.
This is the 21st Century. And it is painful that this bears repeating. But when Dilkashi strikes, you don’t stalk, don’t harass, don’t blackmail, don’t generally be an entitled a**hole in the guise of a Bollywood inspired Aashiq (translation: Lover).
You get Dilkashi right if you court your love interest decently, try to impress them with your charm and wit and intelligence, try to make them happy and convey your love (whatever that entails) which is a tall order and a complicated personal experience…and you do all of the above keeping the consent of your love interest in mind. Basically, you get Dilkashi right if you back off when told to.
It is that simple. Not being an a**hole that is.
Dilkashi, however, is anything but simple. Because beyond the world of Bollywood-ish simplifications and the hormonal ideas of pursuit of love, there are gentler and/or far intense facets of Dilkashi that, as I mentioned above, are complicated and personal. Love at first sight is a fantasy that tends to transform into a multilayered reality, and once you enter into that higher realm of legitimate Dilkashi, each of those layers demands appreciation and respect.
Getting Dilkashi right is simple in movie terms. In real life, Dilkashi is a tricky beast. Because Dilkashi in real life is not just about ‘them’, it is about ‘you’; it is not about pursuing and attaining them because (a) they are not ‘objects’ that you attain and own and (b) it is just a terribly reductive idea of both love and Dilkashi.
Dilkashi is about falling for the right person (or idea, if you are looking at the concept in broader terms) for your sake as much as for theirs. It is about attracting the right energy, the right vibe, the right ideas, the right people in your life.
Law of Attraction is a cornerstone of popular spirituality, and there are scores of people around the world who swear by this concept. Essentially, law of attraction is a philo-spiritual idea that believes that everyone has the ability to attract in their lives whatever they are focusing on. Which essentially puts the onus of our circumstances on us, insisting that positive people attract positive things and negative people, negativity.
Of course, there are also detractors who consider this whole premise a whole lot of snake oil mysticism.
Personally, I don’t entirely believe in the law of attraction extreme which says that everything in our life is a construct and outcome of our thoughts because inevitability of Universe’s design is a fundamental truth for me. But I do firmly believe that barring a few factors, like death, accidents, illnesses, pretty much everything else in our life is a product of our thoughts and beliefs and general attitude. Our careers, our relationships, the kind of ideas we attract, the kind of people we get attracted to, the kind of social, cultural, political milieus that we become a part of, the kind of families and societies we create and contribute to, the kind of lives we lead, the level of personal fulfillment we achieve…everything is a product of our thoughts and faith and beliefs.
For me, getting Dilkashi right is to try and be the person I’d want to be attracted to. Which in turn means that I will attract (or get attracted to) those kind of people in my life.
For me, as a creative, getting Dilkashi right is to try and be such an ever ready vessel of attraction for the Universe where it can pour in the best of its ideas, and then be a worthy executor of those ideas.
Dilkashi is an impulse. But it is an impulse seeped in years of conditioning and thought and belief and ideas and lifestyle and attitude. To get Dilkashi right, whether it is about attracting the right kind of people or the right kind of ideas (right for you anyway), one needs to go back to the basics.
To get Dilkashi right, one has to lead their life right, where right is a subjective concept defined by an individual’s beliefs and ideas and personal philosophies. The important factor is the intent to create a life that you will be proud of, and that will attract the kind of people, relationships, ideas, lifestyles that you can cherish and that will actually enrich your life, materially and spiritually.
Dilkashi is the point where every hormonal teenager's fantasy is born. Dilkashi is the also the point where the spiritual instinct to rise higher and lead a more fulfilling life is born.
Your Dilkashi is your choice. Choose carefully.
Bechain Dil Hai Phir Bhi Chehre Pe Dilkashi Hai
Muflis Ki Zindagi Mein Jo Kuchh Hai Qudrati Hai
— Ahsan Imam Ahsan
The heart is restless, but the countenance is alluring
Everything a poor man has is a gift from Nature
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